Spring is here and I hope its here to stay!VIEW POST
One of the things I have struggled the most with over the years is how trauma steals your light! It´s actually the one thing I have worked my absolute hardest against – I didn´t want to also end up being depressed, feeling down or having a negative outlook on life on top of having a lot of pain. I can take all the physical pain but having my inner light and positivety taken away from me has been crushing! But I couldn´t really do anything to prevent it and that has crushed me even more. It felt like a personal failure!VIEW POST
I can´t even tell you how good the sunny weather and warmer temperatures and more daylight have let me feel!
There is nothing better than being here, walking Ilse, listening to an podcast or just trying to quiet my mind!VIEW POST
“Another way in which we can transform our darkness and “easter” the life of the new self is by holding the painful tension within us – the tugs between what the ego wants and that to which the True Self calls us.
The first step towards growth is to enter these tensions, embracing and exploring the pain and ambiguity within rather than running from them, concealing them, or anesthetizing them. Few choose this path, however. We´re more apt to try to quell the conflict by banishing the unwanted side of the opposites.”
Page 160-161 of WHEN THE HEART WAITS by Sue Monk Kidd
I have struggled to hold the tension! It did not know how to bear the connection to my inner self! It felt too heavy, too dark and too painful.
It felt so unfair! Hadn´t I suffered enough? Couldn´t I just shut the door and forget about the last very painful 8 years? I felt like I could not bear it so I ran from it. But by running from it I ran from myself and the more I was doing that the more I longed for me to be “happy, healthy and succesfull”.
Its been forever since I´ve done a life lately! A few weeks ago we had the rare occasion of snow! Snow for more than a morning does not happen a lot and I made the most of it buy taking long walks with Ilse through the snow.
We had “a lot” of snow 😀 Its a lot for us when my short UGG boots are too short and Ilses legs disappear in the snow 😉 she didnt care though. She run and run through it!
Seb and I went to a conference in Cologne one weekend for CONNECT. We had a lot of fun meeting teachers and students and advertising for our project. Always fun to be back and even more fun that we happened to be at a really cool school! It was a really good weekend!
Here is the deal: I have been HORRIBLE with feeding myself! I either can´t find anything I want to eat in the fridge or I am already to hungry to cook myself something so I eat take out/buy some crappy (although very enjoyable) fastfood or am too exhausted to make myself anything so I end up eating not enough and just not good. A couple of weeks ago I made it my goal to feed myself better haha and I must say I am suprised how much I eat lol but its been really good! I can feel how my body and therefor myself feel way better already. I do need to have a plan otherwise it wont work but so far my plan has worked wonderfully and that alone is AWESOME!
Seb spends a good amount of time with us right now with leads to all of eating supper together and going all out in the cooking department lol the other day we made pizza from scratch and it was so good!
And sometimes the boys go ALL OUT in the desert department haha mind you – this was literally at midnight lol
So, life lately has been good! Lots of walks, lots of good food to help me heal and lots of rest, reading time and even some meditation. The more sun hours the days has the better I feel 🙂
Sending lots of love!!
The question ‚how are you?‘ is one I am honestly lost on how to answer. I‘m better than I have been for the last 8 years, I‘m exhausted to the deepest part and core of myself, I‘m lost of all strenght and power to really get anything done and wondering ‚what, at the heart of it, caused this deep burn out ‘ but I am also doing good. For the most part I am at peace – or I try to be.
There are days where I just wish I knew where all this was talking me. Where I knew what I will study/work/do with my life or at least have the strenght to do anything to figure it all out. I am the first to want to work but here I am and can‘t.
There really is no point in doing anything else, because I quite simply physically cant. I am waiting – actively waiting. Trying not to rush through this time of rest and reflection, learning and becoming.
Instead I am still waiting – resting – becoming whole not through something I do but through everything I am.
Instead I am – still unable to do as I wish but this time at least without pain.
GOOD MORNING from Ilse 😉VIEW POST
For the longest time Albrecht and I had the Netherlands/the ocean on our bucketlist. Not that we both haven´t been there but we really only ever go to the south and hiking, so I really wanted to go to the beach. So finally we made it happen. It was just for one night/two days but it was still so good and since we live farely close to the ocean now, I really hope we manage to do it more often! Perks of having a bigger car: it was really comfortable to sleep in it! I also wish I had a video or picture that shows how much Ilse enjoyed the beach. I´ve never seen this little dog run more than there. She could not get enough of the ocean, the birds and the wide open space!VIEW POST
My thoughts circle back to being/feeling incredible lonely regularly. Its part of trauma I have come to know. Feeling isolated, different than ‚others‘ and questioning ‚God‘/the Universe/fate. Its a feeling that sucks the joy out of my life quicker than anything else and brings me to my knees more than any pain will ever be able to.VIEW POST
Writing this on Friday deep into having the cold on top of my exhaustion is messing with my mental being.
It feels like too much, too much sickness, too little strength, too little strength to help myself, too little life in me to be happy while being bed ridden. I start questioning myself and if anything was caused by my mental health but the reality is: I was freaking exhausted before the cold and having fever on top of exhaustion is a lot for any body, so my allergies go crazy as well because my immunsystem is simply down. I‘m trying to hold on to my saneness but it brings back ALL the trauma of being constanly sick and being home/bed ridden without being able to help myself. I feel helpless and I feel angy and it feels unfair but I can help myself ans everything will be fine in a few days and there is incledible medicine that can treat fever very well. Still urg!
Before this all cold craziness hit me I was reading ‚When the heart waits‘ by Sue Monk Kidd after hearing her story on Oprahs Supersoul Podcast and it has been inspiring. I‘m only a couple chapters in but its good. She talks about waiting: