The Emmaline - Maditas Blog

QUARANTINE TIME

Man, crazy times. Who could have guessed that things would be put on hold so fast and all of the sudden everyone is home and trying to figure out how to stay healthy and a new normal? Corona – you have brought interesting times. Almost a month ago now, when it was looking like we would be put under some sort of mandatory lockdown, Katharina and I decided that it would be way better to ride it out together in our house than being separated (her in her flat 15 minutes away) which the risk of being close but not being able to see each other. Very quickly Alex decided the same, so its been the 4 of us. We are very privileged. We have our own house, with a big back yard and life in general is slower in our small village. Also, the supermarket and toilet paper situation was not as bad as in Berlin for example.

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LOVE OTHERS AS YOU LOVE YOURSELF.

Isn’t that the problem that everything starts with? I don’t know – I am no expert and also not a bible person but honestly looking at myself I am the most critical and judgemental towards myself. I don’t know if I have ever been this hard on anyone as I have been on myself when I have had a bad day, screwed up or failed at something. It looks to me, that “love others as you love yourself” should only happen if you really love yourself 😀

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HALFWAY HOME

“Halfway right doesn’t make it right
Halfway wrong is still wrong
Half of me is with you here tonight
And half of me is long gone
You can try to tell a heart to feel somethin’ that it don’t
But halfway to Heaven isn’t Hell
And halfway home just ain’t home.”

Song: Halfway Home by Carly Pearce

My head would like me to stay, not change, not do anything scary or unpredictable and frankly everything is unpredictable but my heart longs to not stop halfway. My heart arches and it doesn’t matter how convinced I am in my thinking that I will never get what my heart wishes for or end up there, still my heart longs and speaks to me in quiet moments. Lets me know without a doubt that I still have a way to go. I’m not yet “home” if you will.

And sometimes I hate my heart and soul for it. For knowing. For whispering that knowing to me. Thinking that everything would be easier without it. I could just accept and be content – blame circumstances and my health but I can’t.

My heart and soul whisper to me “be full of joy”, “feel loved and unstoppable” and “become a doctor”. I wish I had already arrived a long time ago but instead I am so traumatised right now that I can’t even enter a doctors office without feeling like I need to fight for my life and most of my days are filled with a feeling of “not good enough”. And sure, it will make all sense in the end. It will give me endless amount of “knowing” what someone else might be going through and the experience to never judge someone because nobody knows what someone else is going through. Ever. And that might make be a better doctor, if I ever become one BUT RIGHT NOWWW…I´m only halfway there and that is a hard place to be. My head tries to convince my heart and soul that I have arrived. That this is as good as it gets and that I should be happy and content and full of joy and life but my soul and heart know different.

Thank God for that!

LIFE LATELY: KARNEVAL 2020

When you do the inner work and start getting your physical strength back you can celebrate Karneval as you want to 🙂 At times I am still overwhelmed and feeling very unsafe but knowing that already makes a ton of difference. Last year I had not even the strength to stay for the whole Karnevalszug but also couldn’t articulate what I needed and wanted and had the hardest time saying no to spending time with friends. This year was so much fun!

Especially spending it in our new hometown. It truly is a small town and in a good way “everybody knows everybody”. Katharina, Annalena and I dressed up as Grandmas and braved the unfamiliar crowd. Very scary at first, but the people made it easy and it ended up being such a fun evening with LOTS of singing und dancing 🙂 🙂

The next day, Saturday, our town had their own Karnevalszug and while waiting for it, we were invited by our neighbours. So fun. Not pictured are my parents who also were in town on Saturday. So fun dressing up as contraction workers – the easiest way to convince Jan and Albrecht to join the celebration 😀

Even Ilse joined. With all the people staying at our place and us coming and going she always gets very unsure and anxious and scared to left behind, so she joined us 🙂

We had a whole fun day planned in Düsseldorf for Sunday but then another storm came and everything was canceled. Annalena, Katharina and I spent the rainy day at home and had a relaxing Sunday and met up with everyone else on Monday in Kempen.

The costume turned out to be so good because a) when it started raining our heads stayed dry lol b) it was very easy to dress warm in it c) without much effort we looked very coordinated and lastly d) a few times candy just straight up hit as at the head – it would have hurt quiet a bit without the helmet 😀

The Karnevalszug in Kempen had so many cool costumes parading and wagons. Also, so fun to spend that time with everyone while singing to the music and dancing.

Can´t wait for next year and am looking forward to making this a tradition!

TRAUMA MAKES ME FEEL….

Trauma feels like this long endless road of only hard days. Where you read inspirational quotes of „its ok to have a hard day and feel lost“ and you so badly want to apply that but it feels like your life is an endless amount of hard days and feeling lost. 

You want to constantly scream „THIS IS TOO MUCH“. Let me deal with one thing. One thing at a time and let me have and experience some joy in between but not press every single button and let me think of every single situation in a constant never changing loop of things that traumatised me. And when I then start to write and go deep to resolve whatever trauma I can resolve at the time, it always always starts with a feeling of „I have already dealt with this a thousand times“ and only then I remember that I have never cried about it, been truly mad about this specific thing and never truly processed it. This is the circle I live through with every single situation/emotion/thing that is stuck deep inside my body and mind. 

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Pain goes where I will notice it…

I had this epiphany last night of “ohh this is why I got headaches and not back pain/gut problems”. It really discouraging if you are trying to figure out why you have all this pain when someone goes “oh you must think too much”. Like what? that seems a little too easy.

There are all kinds of different types of pain and reasons for it. Nicole Sachs talks about how stuck negative emotionals can cause real physical pain. Which has been SO true for me! Pain is always always there to help us and never to harm us. It actually tries to protect us. Even though it almost always feels like it hinders us from exactly the thing that we need/want/enjoy. Why though does it not always show up in the same place? Always the back or gut or head but is different from person to person?

It goes where I will notice it! I had all these negative stuck emotions, hurt und trauma in me but was so unaware of it and was truly, with all my selfawareness that I possesed, not seeing it. So pain showed up and all of the sudden I was forced to look at that pain and really myself. Which at first will look like the reason for my pain is a physical cause but if I am lucky I will figure it out sooner rather than later that the cause is something else.

I was always big on my gut feeling/intuition but everything I excelt at in life at that point was driven by my head and my thinking. Take that away it stopped me dead in my tracks almost literally. My emotional pain was screaming at me “NOTICE ME” but I still went “I DID NOTHING WRONG. MY LIFE WAS SO GOOD, WHY DO YOU TAKE EVERYTHING AWAY NOW? WHAT IS THE LESSON TO LEARN HERE?”

It forced me to stop, put everything on hold and look at the pain that I was unintentionally trying SO HARD to not see. It took me years of utmost pain but once I grasped this concept I was “oh this was there all this time?”

For someone else it might me the gut and you start having food allergies and because of that you lack the capacity to concentrate or strenght to do your work – you are forced to look deeper into what wants to be seen and healed.

It seems like a logical thing but I really had this moment of “ohhh I see” yesterday so I wanted to share it 😀

SOMEBODY TO MAKE IT BETTER

Janis and I had a beautiful long conversation about life and pain and how you sometimes just want somebody or something to come and fix the problem for you and take your pain away. If only the painkiller will take away my physical pain so I can get back to living my life. If only someone would make me feel better when I am emotional. If someone would just save me and solve all my problems…

Numbing, supressing, distracting ourselves in all sort of forms is often our way to face pain and suffering.

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CONTENTMENT?!

"Manchmal spricht ein Baum
Durch das Fenster
Mir Mut zu

Manchmal leuchtet ein Buch
als Stern
Auf meinem Himmel

Manchmal ein Mensch
den ich nicht kenne
Der meine Worte erkennt"
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KITCHEN!

We built in our kitchen! The wall looks gross in this picture and I would love to say it does not look that bad in real life, but it sadly does haha. I just doesnt notice it that much. Maybe thats also because of the joy to have a kitchen. For a long time we just had a stove in one of the rooms and it grossed me out immensly. To now have our own clean-ish stove and kitchen again feels like a big luxery!

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