One of the things I have struggled the most with over the years is how trauma steals your light! It´s actually the one thing I have worked my absolute hardest against – I didn´t want to also end up being depressed, feeling down or having a negative outlook on life on top of having a lot of pain. I can take all the physical pain but having my inner light and positivety taken away from me has been crushing! But I couldn´t really do anything to prevent it and that has crushed me even more. It felt like a personal failure!VIEW POST
“Another way in which we can transform our darkness and “easter” the life of the new self is by holding the painful tension within us – the tugs between what the ego wants and that to which the True Self calls us.
The first step towards growth is to enter these tensions, embracing and exploring the pain and ambiguity within rather than running from them, concealing them, or anesthetizing them. Few choose this path, however. We´re more apt to try to quell the conflict by banishing the unwanted side of the opposites.”
Page 160-161 of WHEN THE HEART WAITS by Sue Monk Kidd
I have struggled to hold the tension! It did not know how to bear the connection to my inner self! It felt too heavy, too dark and too painful.
It felt so unfair! Hadn´t I suffered enough? Couldn´t I just shut the door and forget about the last very painful 8 years? I felt like I could not bear it so I ran from it. But by running from it I ran from myself and the more I was doing that the more I longed for me to be “happy, healthy and succesfull”.
The question ‚how are you?‘ is one I am honestly lost on how to answer. I‘m better than I have been for the last 8 years, I‘m exhausted to the deepest part and core of myself, I‘m lost of all strenght and power to really get anything done and wondering ‚what, at the heart of it, caused this deep burn out ‘ but I am also doing good. For the most part I am at peace – or I try to be.
There are days where I just wish I knew where all this was talking me. Where I knew what I will study/work/do with my life or at least have the strenght to do anything to figure it all out. I am the first to want to work but here I am and can‘t.
There really is no point in doing anything else, because I quite simply physically cant. I am waiting – actively waiting. Trying not to rush through this time of rest and reflection, learning and becoming.
Instead I am still waiting – resting – becoming whole not through something I do but through everything I am.
Instead I am – still unable to do as I wish but this time at least without pain.
My thoughts circle back to being/feeling incredible lonely regularly. Its part of trauma I have come to know. Feeling isolated, different than ‚others‘ and questioning ‚God‘/the Universe/fate. Its a feeling that sucks the joy out of my life quicker than anything else and brings me to my knees more than any pain will ever be able to.VIEW POST
Something interesting happened 4 weeks ago – it all of the sudden clicked and I knew what I am supposed to study and where to go with my life!
Nothing has kept me more up at night or has made me question myself than realizing that where I am at right now, what I am set to have my diploma in is not what brings me joy or brings me life. It was this weird thing of ‚I can still imagine myself studying and working in that field. I know I am and will be good at and the people at my school are seriously awesome human beings‘ but at the same time it gave me so much anxiety and imagining to go back there in September felt like something I was dreading. At the same I had absolutely NO CLUE what else I was supposed to study or work in/at and that left me standing there very confused and frankly very scared. What if its me? What if I’ll never be able to have enough energy and life in me to work/study joyfully? What if from here on everything will be only half ok and I will always have to fight against anxiety and fear of failing and the fear of having it all taken away without me being able to have a say in it?
And then all of the sudden it clicked..VIEW POST
I’m exhausted to the point that I don’t even know how to describe it or put it into words. It feels like I am drained to the point that I can’t find my strength again without something coming from something else than me. VIEW POST
I was talking to a friend the other day and it became so clear how we all tend to just share the good or paint a picture of someone else’s life and forget to fill in the blanks. The blanks that are the struggle, the hard and scary moments, the courage it took to get to that moment. The pain, the grief or simply doubt. You can see achievements and moments of highs but we all have doubts and experience hard times that test us.VIEW POST
In the midst of it all I create a CRAZY desire to plan. I want to plan my day, my week, our long term goals and our finances. I want to set up a plan when to get pregnant and how to save up savings in order to have a house, a nice car, paid off student loans and emergency funds. I just want to plan it all out. My next month? scheduled out! Our next few years? Talked about and goals written down! Our finances? all thought through! I will write lists, create spreadsheets and am ready to sacrifice my love for shopping and good shoes so that we have a plan. All really good ideas but what do you do when life happens and it does not go according to plan?I create a desire plan so that I feel in control. Logically you would think that I want to have a good plan so that I have structure. Selfmade structure which can bring peace and comfort! But really I just want to be in control of my own happiness. Having money, a house and children are all substutites for my happiness. Things I think I need in order to have a happy and peaceful life.
Here is the thing though, if I have learned one thing through falling incredible sick or just simply having things not work out: all of that does not define my happiness! I don´t need things to work out or be healthy to be happy. I can be grateful, fulfilled and happy no matter the circumstances. No car, no home and certainly no money can buy me inner peace and happiness. And sadly, no plan!
Ironically though: I find happiness in a good plan!
Lots of love to you!!
I´m not going to lie the last few weeks life has been hard! And I would rather not write about and shout it into the universe for the whole world to read. But I promised myself to keep up this blog. Instead of disappearing until my world is nice and easy again I will just share my life with you – and still see the good in all the craziness.