The Emmaline - Maditas Blog

HAPPY MONDAY loving myself through the process

I´m back home and I can´t even tell you what a blessing it is to come home to a home and a city that you love and feel good about!!

I´ve been journaling, watercoloring and reading a lot lately and it has brought me on this path of selfdiscovery (although I had that term) and it feels AWESOME! There is this weird paradox of totally knowing myself and then being totally lost and questioning everything. But it feels so good to finally be able to not only question everything but have the courage and time and space of mind to really see and feel and love and grow! There is a season for everything and I love stepping into this season of growth. I´m learning to love the place in life I´m in right now even though I never decided to end up here and I´m learning to love and trust myself and my body again after a long time where I felt like I couldn´t because it was the source of a lot of pain and trauma. It´s still hard and days where I can´t for the life of me figure out what I feel and what I need, I sit angry on my couch and don´t love myself. Instead of sitting there I want to know and have it all rather than experiencing a frustrating and challenging process of growth. And to top if of I feel like I´m the only person on this planet to feel so stuck. I´m learning though that not only I have days like this but everyone has them. Days where you want to move the world but you rather need a day with your book on the couch but you give yourself a hard time for needing it.

I´ve listened to the “Unspoken” podcast with Sophia Bush the other day and she said something that really spoke to me:

If you were my 4 year old child, I would never allow for anyone in the room to take your energy to the point it made you exhausted. We have to learn to love ourselves that way. I can´t give the world to you – you have to go home and give it to yourself. I have to give it to myself. I have to go home, eat, put myself to bed, respect my existence. It´s hard but it´s important that with whatever form of a public life you lead that you start to respect your existence enought to know that you can not possibly give a piece of yourself to everyone who wants it. Because there would be nothing left. And you can say that with love.

Sending you lots of love!

Madita

JOURNALING MY WAY THROUGH

*Disclaimer*: not a happy post!

I want to be angry and yell in how much pain I was in. How life betrayed me. How I lost everything that was important to me, while trying to hold on as thight as I could – still, it all slipped away. Leaving me empty handed but more so empty hearted. What´s is left if all there is is pain – and a little bit of hope? Hope to hold onto that one day, maybe one day all of this brings a little bit of joy. For someone. No matter how many tears I cry, I can´t undo the fact that I have been the girl running around the blog in the darkness of her neighborhood, sleep deprived because the pain would not let me sleep and every time I stopped to run, unbearable pain set in again. I´ve been the girl that has been carried to bed by her husband because in a split second the pain got so worse I could hardly even stand up, let alone brush my teeth. In just a second a wonderful moment turned into pure horror. I´ve felt the darkest of dark, have felt my sould and heart become numb and dark – and really, what more painful there is to experience than that?VIEW POST

When things don´t work out I create a desire to plan….

We had a phase last months were things were NOT working out. Just everything was not happening how we needed it to and I realised one thing during that time: I start to plan!

In the midst of it all I create a CRAZY desire to plan. I want to plan my day, my week, our long term goals and our finances. I want to set up a plan when to get pregnant and how to save up savings in order to have a house, a nice car, paid off student loans and emergency funds. I just want to plan it all out. My next month? scheduled out! Our next few years? Talked about and goals written down! Our finances? all thought through! I will write lists, create spreadsheets and am ready to sacrifice my love for shopping and good shoes so that we have a plan. All really good ideas but what do you do when life happens and it does not go according to plan?I create a desire plan so that I feel in control. Logically you would think that I want to have a good plan so that I have structure. Selfmade structure which can bring peace and comfort! But really I just want to be in control of my own happiness. Having money, a house and children are all substutites for my happiness. Things I think I need in order to have a happy and peaceful life.

Here is the thing though, if I have learned one thing through falling incredible sick or just simply having things not work out: all of that does not define my happiness! I don´t need things to work out or be healthy to be happy. I can be grateful, fulfilled and happy no matter the circumstances. No car, no home and certainly no money can buy me inner peace and happiness. And sadly, no plan!

Ironically though: I find happiness in a good plan!

<3

Lots of love to you!!

Madita

Life lately – the ‘I need to be better at remembering to take pictures’ edition

Hello people.

It’s friday 🙂 🎉 It feels like alot has happened this week but looking back I did not do much or at least I did not remember to take a picture haha ups fail. 

I’m still trying to figure out this whole going to school thing. I have a hard time with the schedule as it’s not a weekly schedule but rather a 3 months one. So every week is different. Not only are the subjects I have different but also the days I have school on and starting and finish times. In order to have a little bit more rhythm I sketched out my school week on Sunday and wrote it on poster and pinned it on the wall. That way I always new exactly what was going on this week. Even though I wasn’t as much at school as I wanted to be due to headaches it still feels like a success. It just gave my life a new and better structur which makes such a difference 🙂 

Secondly we got the keys to our flat 😍 it’s officially moving time today! Even though I was initially not really excited about moving again I’m really looking forward to getting everything unpacked and organized and our new flat 😍. Which also brought alot of new perspective and light into our live this week. So good! 

Those are two things that made such a difference without having picture proof 😉 

Last weekend I met up with a friend in Cologne. We walked along the Rhein river and I had a delicious dinner afterwards.

I was pretty cranky a few nights this week. I don’t know what it was.

One evening I made the best of it and went with a girl we share a flat to this American Diner.  

It was typical American in every way. The menu had all the typical food on it from snacks to desert (hello milkshake), the homemade ice tea was really sweet and the portions big haha But we had a good time and it did good to my soul to have an american/canadian supper 🙂 

I don’t know what happened but the next evening was even worse. This time Albrecht made the best of it and cooked me dinner haha.  Thank God for him! 

Yummy pasta who made everything better 🙂 thank God for a husband who cooks me dinner if I’m cranky. 

This has been my week! If you factor in going to school and packing boxes it has been a week where we got things moving.

Have a happy, happy weekend!

Love,

Madita 

When life is hard…

Hello world!

I´m not going to lie the last few weeks life has been hard! And I would rather not write about and shout it into the universe for the whole world to read. But I promised myself to keep up this blog. Instead of disappearing until my world is nice and easy again I will just share my life with you – and still see the good in all the craziness.

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Wednesday thoughts

Beautiful world!

Have you ever had a day full of pain and while you are unable to move you start to imagine ‘what if it never ends?’ and it feels like someone is whispering to you ‘who are you if you only lie here?’ ?

Intense pain changes you! Every day, every second of the day. It changes your outlook on life, your thoughts and the things you see.

When I walk into a place I see the brokenness of people, of lives in the midst of breaking and places that have long not been cared for. It makes me arch, it lets me feel their pain because I know that pain.

But I also see all the beauty there is. In such pure tensity that nothing is more real to me.

The way a place thats been cared for shines and invites you to feel at home – I feel it! I see it!

When a partner comes home and a simple touch that happens every day screams such love and beauty to me.

The light there is when a person is broken but starts to build himself up again – with so much strength and knowledge about life and himself.

Sometimes, in the midst of intense silent pain it feels like you have been let in on a little secret of life. Like one more door has opened to the big secret of life. You’ve been let in on the stillness and rawness of life but you’ve also been given the gift to see love and beauty all around and within you.

Lets see all the love and beauty!

Xoxo

Madita