“Halfway right doesn’t make it right
Halfway wrong is still wrong
Half of me is with you here tonight
And half of me is long gone
You can try to tell a heart to feel somethin’ that it don’t
But halfway to Heaven isn’t Hell
And halfway home just ain’t home.”

Song: Halfway Home by Carly Pearce

My head would like me to stay, not change, not do anything scary or unpredictable and frankly everything is unpredictable but my heart longs to not stop halfway. My heart arches and it doesn’t matter how convinced I am in my thinking that I will never get what my heart wishes for or end up there, still my heart longs and speaks to me in quiet moments. Lets me know without a doubt that I still have a way to go. I’m not yet “home” if you will.

And sometimes I hate my heart and soul for it. For knowing. For whispering that knowing to me. Thinking that everything would be easier without it. I could just accept and be content – blame circumstances and my health but I can’t.

My heart and soul whisper to me “be full of joy”, “feel loved and unstoppable” and “become a doctor”. I wish I had already arrived a long time ago but instead I am so traumatised right now that I can’t even enter a doctors office without feeling like I need to fight for my life and most of my days are filled with a feeling of “not good enough”. And sure, it will make all sense in the end. It will give me endless amount of “knowing” what someone else might be going through and the experience to never judge someone because nobody knows what someone else is going through. Ever. And that might make be a better doctor, if I ever become one BUT RIGHT NOWWW…I´m only halfway there and that is a hard place to be. My head tries to convince my heart and soul that I have arrived. That this is as good as it gets and that I should be happy and content and full of joy and life but my soul and heart know different.

Thank God for that!

“In deinem Lichte lernte ich zu lieben,

In deiner Schönheit fand ich Poesie,

Du tanzest dort in meinem Herzen wo niemand sonst dich sehen kann.”

Rumi

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"Manchmal spricht ein Baum
Durch das Fenster
Mir Mut zu

Manchmal leuchtet ein Buch
als Stern
Auf meinem Himmel

Manchmal ein Mensch
den ich nicht kenne
Der meine Worte erkennt"

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When life uninvited is interrupted its so easy to hope for an event to change that. I´ve been so guilty of that. And you make up your mind that when X happens things will be back to normal. “When I am married I will be safe and secure” ” When I move I will have this wonderful life and when I get a job I will be worry free” And to some extent that can be true, sometimes its the best thing to shake things up, to move, to move on, to follow the yearning of your soul but I feel like we often forget that when we do that we also take our story with us. But that can not be shown in an Instagram post or a picture. To the outside it looks like this wonderful and colourful and full life but what it can not show is the twist and turnes, the highs and lows and the in betweens it took and still takes to get there. What it does not show is the trauma, guilt, grieve, helplessness, a feeling of loss that can still be there.

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