The Emmaline - Maditas Blog

IT`S BEEN AN INTERESTING FEW WEEKS

I hate when I follow a blog and all of the sudden the writer stops writing and I have no idea why but am invested in their story. And only by writing my own I have realized how hard it can be to not do that.

I wanted to write but I didn´t want the world all in my business that felt so very vulnerable. It still feels that way – and maybe it will always feel like that. And maybe thats the lesson – to not judge but to walk with each other and do life together out of love and not judgement!

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AND ONE DAY I COULD SEE HOW THE HEALING WAS THE GIFT

“Another way in which we can transform our darkness and “easter” the life of the new self is by holding the painful tension within us – the tugs between what the ego wants and that to which the True Self calls us.

The first step towards growth is to enter these tensions, embracing and exploring the pain and ambiguity within rather than running from them, concealing them, or anesthetizing them. Few choose this path, however. We´re more apt to try to quell the conflict by banishing the unwanted side of the opposites.”


Page 160-161 of WHEN THE HEART WAITS by Sue Monk Kidd

I have struggled to hold the tension! It did not know how to bear the connection to my inner self! It felt too heavy, too dark and too painful.
It felt so unfair! Hadn´t I suffered enough? Couldn´t I just shut the door and forget about the last very painful 8 years? I felt like I could not bear it so I ran from it. But by running from it I ran from myself and the more I was doing that the more I longed for me to be “happy, healthy and succesfull”.

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WHEN I`M SCARED AND HURTING – CAN I BE OPEN?

My thoughts circle back to being/feeling incredible lonely regularly. Its part of trauma I have come to know. Feeling isolated, different than ‚others‘ and questioning ‚God‘/the Universe/fate. Its a feeling that sucks the joy out of my life quicker than anything else and brings me to my knees more than any pain will ever be able to.

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TOO MUCH!

Norway Summer of 2014

Writing this on Friday deep into having the cold on top of my exhaustion is messing with my mental being.

It feels like too much, too much sickness, too little strength, too little strength to help myself, too little life in me to be happy while being bed ridden. I start questioning myself and if anything was caused by my mental health but the reality is: I was freaking exhausted before the cold and having fever on top of exhaustion is a lot for any body, so my allergies go crazy as well because my immunsystem is simply down. I‘m trying to hold on to my saneness but it brings back ALL the trauma of being constanly sick and being home/bed ridden without being able to help myself. I feel helpless and I feel angy and it feels unfair but I can help myself ans everything will be fine in a few days and there is incledible medicine that can treat fever very well. Still urg!

Before this all cold craziness hit me I was reading ‚When the heart waits‘ by Sue Monk Kidd after hearing her story on Oprahs Supersoul Podcast and it has been inspiring. I‘m only a couple chapters in but its good. She talks about waiting:

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HAPPY WEDNESDAY

Oh happy Wednesday!

I was so tired Sunday evening that I was like “oh well, life is more important than a blog post” but I was also certain I would write it Monday. I should have known better 😀 life always seems to get in the way. Monday a cold hit me while traveling and pretty much knocked me out Monday and Tuesday.

“SPRING: a lovely reminder of how beautiful change can truly be”

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I know love…

” He takes my hand and we walk. Out into the uncertain, out into the unknown. But walking, always walking, in the direction of our dreams. I talk and he listens. Talk about nothing, talk about everything, talk until the whole world makes sense again. And just like that, just by taking my hand he’s always been able to make the world make sense again.

I walk to the beat in my own head, and he breathes the melody. He takes my hand and presses it agains his chest and we dance. And he pulls me in close like he doesn’t ever want to let go and whispers, “I still love going on adventures with you.” And right then deep down I know, I was born to love like this.

In the silence that is comfortable, in the moments in between. In the tiny little everyday ordinary nothings that make up our whole lives together. I know there is no place I would rather be. 

See, I see love because I have known love. I have been loved. Quietly and fearlessly and without question. In the moments when it was most uncertain, in the times when it was most undeserved.

I believe in love. With my whole heart I believe in love. Because I was first loved. And I have loved in return.” 

Mary and Justin Marantz

(from Justin and Mary Weddings) 

Have a wonderful Wednesday 😘

Love,

Madita