Grabkapelle Stuttgart 6th of October 2018
Sometimes life gets in the way of posting and I am so ok with that! And sometimes you have been a way from home for a week, hang up light fixtures in your living room, have a friends stay with you and everything feels new and fresh and wonderful!
And sometimes fresh, new and wonderful does not feel safe to you and thats a struggle. Its daunting if you crave new and wonderful but don´t know how to not be stressed by it, how to be present and simply how to function. And how to feel – oh feeling things can be scary!
Being hit with a lot of trauma symptoms is hard. It feels like I am incapable of experiencing joy and ever functioning enough to do life in a peaceful way. It´s hard getting to know my boundaries and not feeling like you are letting everyone, including yourself down. I´m getting there, using everything I can think of – from pregnancy pillow to writing in my journal a lot – to let me feel safe. I feel like I am very much in the deep and dark and that is so scary to admit. But I am hopeful and I know, deep down I just know, that soon I will have walked through this season and will be at the other side of it all. Gosh, I would rather have it be all over already but the more I try to skip over all this stuff the more I realize that I am missing out on a lot of learning, a lot of myself really and a lot of my story. I am at a place where I feel like I can not take any more pain – it does not matter if physically or mentally – I just cant. I´m done. Not an ounce of me has the energy or the love for myself to get through pain – my survival mode still kicks in but my soul and heart feel drained and empty.
Maybe trauma treatment is soul and heart nursing. Taking care of my soul and heart like I would for a broken foot.
Maybe thats why its so easy for me to overstep my boundaries right now – deep inside me I feel drained and empty from more pain than I can imagine – so my emotional compass, who tells me wether something will be good or bad, is measured against an empty and drained heart and soul that is scared by all the pain it experienced and not against a heart and soul full of love or peace or belonging.
So onwards I go…nurturing my heart and soul!
Sending you lots of love!