Your wallet is too big in your back pocket. It bugs you as you drive. There is a thorn stuck in the side of your sock, deep in your shoe. It gives you the tiniest most infuriating poke when you walk. But to take off your shoe and do the whole thing. Ugh. You wonder if what you said at dinner offended your new friend. It eats you up the rest of the night. Is to bring it up worse?
Things that nag. Thorns in our sides. They want answers. Solutions. Adjustments. But they do not scream. Some problems shout at us, and get the attention they need right away. But the nag. The tickle. The turn of the stomach and prick of the mind.
I wonder if you have a prickly something in your sock right now. I mean in your mind. A discomfort. I wonder if it’s inconsistencies in your experience vs the teachings of your church. Those things stick to your mind and do not leave. They can be struck and quieted with the stick of obedience. But they never leave. I wonder if it’s your gut about your friend, boyfriend, or even your spouse. You’ve got history. You’ve got labels. But the twisted stomach is there. Something is off. You are not who you want to be and becoming less so. You do not respect them. You won’t admit it. That twisted gut will not go away.
I’m not trying to be a rabble rouser over here. I’m just remembering all the itchy thinking in my life… the cracks in the floor… the roof shingles that blew off and let the light in…
I’ve never had a disquiet thought or an upset stomach that didn’t have something to teach me. Sometimes it was patience. Sometimes it was humility and a bad meal. Other times it was revolution, and knocking down walls. Always it was a lesson, working itself out.
I don’t begrudge my confusion anymore. I thank it. It’s just a signal that I’ve collected a few more fallen keys from heaven, and I’m obliged to try new doors until they open.
Sometimes all it takes is a conversation with a friend to realize life is hard right now and thats ok. Its ok that its hard right now and its ok to admit it. I feel like the most damage I do to myself is to run from whatever challenge is in front of me and make me believe “everything is wonderful” only then to ask myself why I´m not feeling like it is.
If I feel it all – recognize the struggle for what it is and also for what it´s not, if I can sit with it and have it teach me things, then there is peace in spite of the struggle. Then there is growth and moving forward.
Sending you lots of love, strength and the courage to be present and feel whatever there is to be felt!