Life lately has been crazy thanks to this lady….we adopted a dog a couple of weeks ago and she has turned our world upside down. For some reason I got the idea a couple of weeks ago that it would be very good for me to have a dog. Someone to care for, to join me during my days at home and someone to love. But oh my God I truly didnt know what I was getting myself into. Mind you – there was maybe one other time where I thought about getting a dog in my life – I never was a pet person and dreamt of having a dog or anything like that. But now we´ve got the cutest dog and besides that she truly can act like a teenager she is so sweet, cuddlely and really chill. Also still very young – you can see how on walks she still discovers the world around her.
While being all cute just by being her, she accidentally managed to push ALL my buttons. Every bit of myself that feels broken, traumatized and unable to function was pushed. I was so overwhelmed and in a state of shock and pure panic that I felt like I couldnt eat for 3 days.
I´m commited to being my authentic self as much as possible – anything else feels like a disservice to this world but mostly to myself. That includes being vulnerable and honest in moments where its hard and it would be easier to say “I´m fine”. I would LOVE to say ” I had this awesome idea, now we´ve got a cute dog and life is great” but its not. If it wasnt for Albrecht the dog would not be with us anymore because I´ve not been able to care for it – I even felt overwhelmed caring for myself the last few days. I spent the first 4 days sobbing at night in Albrechts arms overwhelmed by how overwhelmed I was and by how broken I felt. It´s like everything that I have been trying to keep underwraps, that I tried to push away or hide is now comming to the surface and in good old Madita fashion all at once.
I dont know if I myself didnt know or if I didnt want anyone else to know so I tried to keep it to myself – either way now I´m so overwhelmed that I can´t hide it anymore. I feel severe anxiety at night, I feel very useless and worthless and not good enough and I feel guilty – for what exactly I haven´t figured out yet. All those feelings are very much connected to depression but I always felt like if I am depressed things get darker and loose every connection the more I think about it. This time I feel like its a bunch of emotions and broken pieces that want to be seen and felt and I need to rumble with it in order to find my inner strength, confidence and self worth again. Lets see how this journey goes…
Sending you lots of love and strength on this Monday!