I’m exhausted to the point that I don’t even know how to describe it or put it into words. It feels like I am drained to the point that I can’t find my strength again without something coming from something else than me.
I’m not tired of living or being here – I’m more excited for life and the future right now than I have been for the longest time. I can see the end of the tunnel of this sickness. I can see the end only to realize how exhausting all this was. I fought to survive mentally and sometimes it felt like also physically and had really not enough safety or a choice to recover or even to check in with myself.
Realizing and recognizing all the trauma that the last 8 years of brutal headaches have caused me was a relieve and eye opening thing. I didn’t know that being traumatized can completely knock you out or had all those symptoms. It was one half of the picture – an important one. Last week I found the other half!
I went to a new doctor last week – for the first time in forever! Going to the doctor has not been a good experience the last 8 years but rather one where no one could relieve me of my pain or was simply so rude and judgemental that it still makes me mad to this day! So I stopped going because whats the point?!
This doctors appointment was different and refreshing. I felt seen and supported rather than judged. AND SHE SAW MORE THAN I SAW! Maybe this time I didnt go to have someone make the pain go away and that made the difference but the really big difference to me was that I didnt feel like I needed to fight for myself. I didn’t need to try to explain something I couldn’t explain but rather she saw it. She saw that I was exhausted to the bone – something I hadnt even really realized. I thought it was all mental/trauma.
And I can’t even begin to tell you how good it felt to be seen. To not needing to say a word but someone offering all the help to get you healthy again! So, I’m exhausted! And since my doctor saying it out loud I realize how bad it actually is. I get to the point of crying every day just from pure exhausting and because it all gets too much!
But, oh my God – the last week has already been so healing!! I don’t need to fight anymore, time and love will do the rest. I can’t even describe how it feels being able to visit all those painful parts of me and my story in peace and make peace with it. It feels like I’m on my way to being whole again!
Walking through my day knowing that I am exhausted, and respecting that, has been such a gift! After taking Ilse for a walk I give myself the time to rest, I’ll buy take-out if I am too exhausted to prepare anything and I’ll let myself cry. I can be exhausted and I can cry because of it and just let me feel it all! Slowly life starts to make sense again!
I’m curious for where life takes me next! Oh how I prayed to feel curious again! I can’t wait for whats to come!
Sending you lots of love!