Life this past week has been hard. It has suprisingly left me more emotional drained than the weeks before where we were in the thick of it. I had the hardest time going to sleep this week. I would lay awake until the early hours of the morning and anxiety, thoughts and grief all going through my head.
Thoughts about all the things we still need to organize for our wedding, stressing me out because I couldnt get a hold of it. No list, no plan would help – it still left me feeling like I just couldnt really grasp it to an extent where I knew I was `safe`because of a plan. A plan and lists that would help to have things run smoothly and without forgetting important things. The reality of life is though that no list will keep me safe from grieving. Safe from having my soul and heart deal with almost loosing my mother and pain from seeing my mother like that. It´s no ones fault and I would believe I was prepared as good as one can ever be – it still does something to you. It did something to me!
I´m still distant from it all – afraid to loose my mother all over again. I keep in contact as much as I can and take in every opportunity that I see and hear her. I´m taking in all that she is and feels and sees but I´ve yet to lean into that trust to built upon that relationship again.
I have this weird paradox where I am probably the person in my family that had it the easiest to except the new situation. Early on I saw my mom and how she could still be happy and live a life worth living. And how she would do that! It´s so good to be able to quickly see and feel that there could come good and wonderful things from. And I am so absolutely sure that there will be!
And then there is me as a daughter who for a few days lost her mother and does not know if her mother will be back like she used to. There was a point in this whole process where things started to look better. Even better then we ever had hoped for. I still hold off my hope though because it seemed to dangoures to believe in that hope. It still feels like this. So we are all playing our part figuring this all out. As a family, as daughters and my parents as husband and wife. We are so very thankful to still have my mom with us and I´m so very thankful that things turned out way better than we all had hoped. And thank God for her strong will! But there is also the reality of grieving. Grieving a part of the mother I knew. My mother grieving a part of herself and the way she knew herself and my dad grieving the life and marriage they used to live. On our way to a new and hopeful life filled with life there is grieving. Even if things will go back to somewhat normal – for a few weeks we lost our mom, my mom lost herself and my dad lost his wife.
And then I think about my cousin in Canada who is not older than me and is not as fortunate as we are. Things there turned way worse than we had ever thought.
I´m usually not one to pray but right now I´m finding strength in it.
Whatever this week and weekend holds for you I´m sending you LOVE!!