Something interesting happened 4 weeks ago – it all of the sudden clicked and I knew what I am supposed to study and where to go with my life!
Nothing has kept me more up at night or has made me question myself than realizing that where I am at right now, what I am set to have my diploma in is not what brings me joy or brings me life. It was this weird thing of ‚I can still imagine myself studying and working in that field. I know I am and will be good at and the people at my school are seriously awesome human beings‘ but at the same time it gave me so much anxiety and imagining to go back there in September felt like something I was dreading. At the same I had absolutely NO CLUE what else I was supposed to study or work in/at and that left me standing there very confused and frankly very scared. What if its me? What if I’ll never be able to have enough energy and life in me to work/study joyfully? What if from here on everything will be only half ok and I will always have to fight against anxiety and fear of failing and the fear of having it all taken away without me being able to have a say in it?
And then all of the sudden it clicked...I am supposed to study medicine and become a doctor. Something I really wanted to do before I got sick with 18. Due to having been so sick I had said goodbye to that option a long time ago. I cried over it, I have grieved it – I closed that chapter in my mind and my soul. And I was truly ok with it. I had no desire to start one of the hardest subjects to study. To study for the next 8 years of my life? (how do you start having kids but also study medicine? Like seriously – I’m 27 now and people usually start having kids and dont start school for another 8 years.) And the hospital still freaks me out! A place that was once very intriging freaks me now out – it felt too close to my living nightmare of being super sick and no cure.
All of the sudden while sitting at the doctor office I just KNEW – I knew that ‘I will be good at this. I am made for this’ ‘my time will come and I can rest knowing that. When the time is right things will fall into place’. I felt a light and spark and joy I have not felt in the longest time and all of the sudden it became so clear to me – I was just looking at all the wrong possibilities for my life!
At the same time I felt joy and a spark though deep fear came over me. It feels so scary to even go to a place of ‘my life is filled joy and fulfillment’ – what if it will all go wrong? What if I only need something to distract me from my exhaustion? How can I even think I will manage medicine school if I cant even form a academic sentence right now? It truly feels easier to deal with pain and anxiety than with joy and hope. I’ve been to the darkest of times and I know I can survive them but having taken away my joy from me and everything else that was important to me has brought me to that place. And now go to that place again? To feel joy and hope and fulfillment it seems very scary and vulnerable.
So, maybe this thought of medicine school will show me how life can feel like again and I will end up at a totally different place (again) than medicine school but it will have taught me a lot on the way or I will end up in medicine school and possibly become a doctor – who knows! In the mean time I will learn what life tries to teach me, I will go where I feel like I am supposed to go even though it scares me and I will do the most scary thing: let true joy and positivity back into my life!
Dreamer. Never let it be said that to dream is a waste of one’s time. For dreams are our realities in waiting. In dreams, we plant the seeds of our future.
Sending you lots of love!