Trauma feels like this long endless road of only hard days. Where you read inspirational quotes of „its ok to have a hard day and feel lost“ and you so badly want to apply that but it feels like your life is an endless amount of hard days and feeling lost.
You want to constantly scream „THIS IS TOO MUCH“. Let me deal with one thing. One thing at a time and let me have and experience some joy in between but not press every single button and let me think of every single situation in a constant never changing loop of things that traumatised me. And when I then start to write and go deep to resolve whatever trauma I can resolve at the time, it always always starts with a feeling of „I have already dealt with this a thousand times“ and only then I remember that I have never cried about it, been truly mad about this specific thing and never truly processed it. This is the circle I live through with every single situation/emotion/thing that is stuck deep inside my body and mind.
All while wishing I would and could rather do and feel something else.
It’s also a circle of trying to heal and feeling a sense of relief and hope and slowly opening myself up to love and hope and trust, only to discover the layer underneath. I just felt like I found my footing and a sense of “oh this is where I am supposed to be” only then to life call at you “hey, there is still so much hurt and pain left in you. Go figure this out first.” and not answering to that inner call leads to straight up hell of anxiety and panic and numbness. So I turn back around, try to become quiet again to find a voice for all the feelings that have been left soundless and voiceless in a place inside my body and soul.
Onward to a place full of love, self worth and a grateful, joyful being!