One of the things I have struggled the most with over the years is how trauma steals your light! It´s actually the one thing I have worked my absolute hardest against – I didn´t want to also end up being depressed, feeling down or having a negative outlook on life on top of having a lot of pain. I can take all the physical pain but having my inner light and positivety taken away from me has been crushing! But I couldn´t really do anything to prevent it and that has crushed me even more. It felt like a personal failure!
I did not know that thats what trauma does to one. When you run away from danger like you would have in ancient years from a lion attac you would not have cared so much about how well loved you are, if the Universe works against or for you or that you yourself are enough. The only thing on your mind is the question “Is that what I am doing good enough to survive or will dying be painful?”. And now, when trauma strikes, you are stuck there. You either couldnt or didnt response to your inner fight or flight response and therefor you dont feel like the danger is over – ever. I didnt know all this and I also didnt know that I was even traumatized or what trauma actually is, all I knew was that I felt like I failed myself and did not know how to get back to place of joy, love and light.
I tried my hardest to get back to that inner place of light and I had all those pictures in my head that “when I finish school, then I will be confident again”, “when I have overcome this and that, then I will feel the light and joy again and start sharing my story with the world, but until I am back there I am not good enough.” Knowing that before all this pain and trauma hit, I did not get my light, positivety and strenght from any outside archivments or acknowlegments but from the inside. From knowing who I was and trusting in the Universe and that I would be ok. Whatever happened – I was very sure that I would be ok, work hard and enjoy whatever circumstances I would be in.
Now though, I was connecting my inner peace with the outside circumstances… surely if they change then something inside will change too.
Here is the things that does not work though: EARNING that peace and light and love and joy! It is there no matter what and for you and me to step in to. There may be things that hinder me to step into it, like trauma, feeling undeserving or outside influences and it is my very own choice to do the work to get rid of those, but not a thing I do or will do makes me deserve or undeserving to trust the universe, live from a place of peace, joy and light.
I am enough no matter what! I am loved no matter what! I will be ok and filled with peace and joy no matter what! NO MATTER WHAT! No past experience, not a thing that needs work nor a skill I may be lacking makes me undeserving of light and joy!! I may have all the joy and light in this world because I choose to walk in faith, led by curiosity and the utter believe that everything, including me and every detail of my story and my day has a purpose and is an opportunity to teach me something. Now and not when I hit a certain milestone.
Do the freaking work but trust and love and let the light in!