“Another way in which we can transform our darkness and “easter” the life of the new self is by holding the painful tension within us – the tugs between what the ego wants and that to which the True Self calls us.
The first step towards growth is to enter these tensions, embracing and exploring the pain and ambiguity within rather than running from them, concealing them, or anesthetizing them. Few choose this path, however. We´re more apt to try to quell the conflict by banishing the unwanted side of the opposites.”
Page 160-161 of WHEN THE HEART WAITS by Sue Monk Kidd
I have struggled to hold the tension! It did not know how to bear the connection to my inner self! It felt too heavy, too dark and too painful.
It felt so unfair! Hadn´t I suffered enough? Couldn´t I just shut the door and forget about the last very painful 8 years? I felt like I could not bear it so I ran from it. But by running from it I ran from myself and the more I was doing that the more I longed for me to be “happy, healthy and succesfull”.
Logically I knew thats not how it works and logically I also knew that I was chasing something other than my true self and something pretty empty but I wanted my suffering to end! Now!
And then something shiffted. I gave myself permission to be in my “cocoon” for a month. To focus only on myself, not a job I might have one day, to not spend a ton of time with friends and family because I felt like I needed to spend time with myself, taking care of myself by eating good and enough and getting massages regularly.
And one day I could see how all the healing was the gift and not some cruel burden. How there was a reason and how this will be a season and not the rest of my life. Taking care of my body first and foremost was the best thing I could have ever done and giving myself permission to get quiet with myself has been the most healing thing. A question of “how will I get back to a place of joy?” led me to meditation, walks in nature, gratitude and more therapy and positive affirmations. I am starting to breathe again!
The fear of all the progress disappearing again because of some random choice I make is looming some days more than others over my head, my thinking is often times still clouded from exhaustion and trauma but then there are all the mornings where I get up at 8 to have breakfast (and go straight back to bed haha but at least I have eaten 😉 (do what you gotta go!)) and all the walks in the sun and the time I went to sleep without feeling anxious.
It feels like spring outside and that matches my inner feeling! I am finding joy in this spring newness and I can´t wait for summer!
Sending you lots of love!