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HALFWAY HOME

April 10, 2020

“Halfway right doesn’t make it right
Halfway wrong is still wrong
Half of me is with you here tonight
And half of me is long gone
You can try to tell a heart to feel somethin’ that it don’t
But halfway to Heaven isn’t Hell
And halfway home just ain’t home.”

Song: Halfway Home by Carly Pearce

My head would like me to stay, not change, not do anything scary or unpredictable and frankly everything is unpredictable but my heart longs to not stop halfway. My heart arches and it doesn’t matter how convinced I am in my thinking that I will never get what my heart wishes for or end up there, still my heart longs and speaks to me in quiet moments. Lets me know without a doubt that I still have a way to go. I’m not yet “home” if you will.

And sometimes I hate my heart and soul for it. For knowing. For whispering that knowing to me. Thinking that everything would be easier without it. I could just accept and be content – blame circumstances and my health but I can’t.

My heart and soul whisper to me “be full of joy”, “feel loved and unstoppable” and “become a doctor”. I wish I had already arrived a long time ago but instead I am so traumatised right now that I can’t even enter a doctors office without feeling like I need to fight for my life and most of my days are filled with a feeling of “not good enough”. And sure, it will make all sense in the end. It will give me endless amount of “knowing” what someone else might be going through and the experience to never judge someone because nobody knows what someone else is going through. Ever. And that might make be a better doctor, if I ever become one BUT RIGHT NOWWW…I´m only halfway there and that is a hard place to be. My head tries to convince my heart and soul that I have arrived. That this is as good as it gets and that I should be happy and content and full of joy and life but my soul and heart know different.

Thank God for that!

LABELS ~ Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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PUTTING THE PIECES BACK TOGETHER

March 2, 2020

“In deinem Lichte lernte ich zu lieben,

In deiner Schönheit fand ich Poesie,

Du tanzest dort in meinem Herzen wo niemand sonst dich sehen kann.”

Rumi

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LABELS ~ Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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CONTENTMENT?!

August 26, 2019

"Manchmal spricht ein Baum
Durch das Fenster
Mir Mut zu

Manchmal leuchtet ein Buch
als Stern
Auf meinem Himmel

Manchmal ein Mensch
den ich nicht kenne
Der meine Worte erkennt"
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LABELS ~ Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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MOVING

July 5, 2019

When life uninvited is interrupted its so easy to hope for an event to change that. I´ve been so guilty of that. And you make up your mind that when X happens things will be back to normal. “When I am married I will be safe and secure” ” When I move I will have this wonderful life and when I get a job I will be worry free” And to some extent that can be true, sometimes its the best thing to shake things up, to move, to move on, to follow the yearning of your soul but I feel like we often forget that when we do that we also take our story with us. But that can not be shown in an Instagram post or a picture. To the outside it looks like this wonderful and colourful and full life but what it can not show is the twist and turnes, the highs and lows and the in betweens it took and still takes to get there. What it does not show is the trauma, guilt, grieve, helplessness, a feeling of loss that can still be there.

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LABELS ~ Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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POUR YOUR CUP!

May 17, 2019

A lot of trauma work or any healing work for that matter seems to be to release stuck/burried emotions in order to be able to feel joy and love and all sorts of wonderful things.

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LABELS ~ Life, Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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IT`S BEEN AN INTERESTING FEW WEEKS

May 10, 2019

I hate when I follow a blog and all of the sudden the writer stops writing and I have no idea why but am invested in their story. And only by writing my own I have realized how hard it can be to not do that.

I wanted to write but I didn´t want the world all in my business that felt so very vulnerable. It still feels that way – and maybe it will always feel like that. And maybe thats the lesson – to not judge but to walk with each other and do life together out of love and not judgement!

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LABELS ~ Life Lately, Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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AND ONE DAY I COULD SEE HOW THE HEALING WAS THE GIFT

February 18, 2019

“Another way in which we can transform our darkness and “easter” the life of the new self is by holding the painful tension within us – the tugs between what the ego wants and that to which the True Self calls us.

The first step towards growth is to enter these tensions, embracing and exploring the pain and ambiguity within rather than running from them, concealing them, or anesthetizing them. Few choose this path, however. We´re more apt to try to quell the conflict by banishing the unwanted side of the opposites.”


Page 160-161 of WHEN THE HEART WAITS by Sue Monk Kidd

I have struggled to hold the tension! It did not know how to bear the connection to my inner self! It felt too heavy, too dark and too painful.
It felt so unfair! Hadn´t I suffered enough? Couldn´t I just shut the door and forget about the last very painful 8 years? I felt like I could not bear it so I ran from it. But by running from it I ran from myself and the more I was doing that the more I longed for me to be “happy, healthy and succesfull”.

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LABELS ~ Life, Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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WHEN I`M SCARED AND HURTING – CAN I BE OPEN?

January 14, 2019

My thoughts circle back to being/feeling incredible lonely regularly. Its part of trauma I have come to know. Feeling isolated, different than ‚others‘ and questioning ‚God‘/the Universe/fate. Its a feeling that sucks the joy out of my life quicker than anything else and brings me to my knees more than any pain will ever be able to.

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LABELS ~ Life, Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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TOO MUCH!

December 31, 2018

Norway Summer of 2014

Writing this on Friday deep into having the cold on top of my exhaustion is messing with my mental being.

It feels like too much, too much sickness, too little strength, too little strength to help myself, too little life in me to be happy while being bed ridden. I start questioning myself and if anything was caused by my mental health but the reality is: I was freaking exhausted before the cold and having fever on top of exhaustion is a lot for any body, so my allergies go crazy as well because my immunsystem is simply down. I‘m trying to hold on to my saneness but it brings back ALL the trauma of being constanly sick and being home/bed ridden without being able to help myself. I feel helpless and I feel angy and it feels unfair but I can help myself ans everything will be fine in a few days and there is incledible medicine that can treat fever very well. Still urg!

Before this all cold craziness hit me I was reading ‚When the heart waits‘ by Sue Monk Kidd after hearing her story on Oprahs Supersoul Podcast and it has been inspiring. I‘m only a couple chapters in but its good. She talks about waiting:

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LABELS ~ Book Recommendations, Pain/Trauma, Quotes

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HAPPY WEDNESDAY

March 7, 2018

Oh happy Wednesday!

I was so tired Sunday evening that I was like “oh well, life is more important than a blog post” but I was also certain I would write it Monday. I should have known better 😀 life always seems to get in the way. Monday a cold hit me while traveling and pretty much knocked me out Monday and Tuesday.

“SPRING: a lovely reminder of how beautiful change can truly be”

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LABELS ~ Happy Mondays, Quotes

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