I was talking to a friend the other day and it became so clear how we all tend to just share the good or paint a picture of someone else’s life and forget to fill in the blanks. The blanks that are the struggle, the hard and scary moments, the courage it took to get to that moment. The pain, the grief or simply doubt. You can see achievements and moments of highs but we all have doubts and experience hard times that test us.
This picture may be perfect but one of us was sick with the flu/cold, one had just broken up with her boyfriend, one is traumatized by a 8 year stint of chronic pain, one is grieving over a lost relationship and one sometimes thinks she is not good enough. Sickness, trauma, grief and doubt can exist at the same time we experience joy and love and laughter. If you would have asked me a week ago if we share vulnerable and open friendships with each other I would have said “YES! Absolutely” – we call each other when times are hard, we listen to unfinished thoughts and we hold each other in tears (the happy and sad ones) but I realized, its not only about opening up about our pain but about that vulnerable place and question of “am I enough?” “what is my place in this world?” “I am the only one feeling this way? – everyone else has it figured out – look how happy they seem”. I´m trying to be more mindful about that – how I portrait my life to others but especially how I look at someone elses life. I´m trying to fill in the blanks more and be more mindful about the fact that one thing comes with the other! I may sleep in every day of the week right now but what are the cost? Someone else may work full time right now, something I desire greatly, but maybe he/she is struggling to find time for herself or someone else? And somewhere someone put in the work and lives life to the fullest while being content with whatever happens BUT HE/SHE PUT IN THE WORK. I dont think its healthy to look at life and think that something good always comes with something bad. But when admiring someone elses life lets just not forget that the more effortless it looks the more work was put it in and we all can put in the work!
The last few weeks I have been rumbling with the thought of not feeling good enough and the feeling of seperation from everyone else because of grief and trauma related feelings. I´m on a quest for what is true in my life. What feelings are true? Am I honest with myself? What is the story that I am making up? I still have a hard time wrapping my head around “being traumatized” – what does that even mean? Is it just some definition that I´m hiding behind and it doesnt need a name? Sometimes its good to call things by their name – am I just afraid of my own stigma about trauma? I don´t know. Still figuring it all out. I try to be more mindful about situations I am entering in and not put an expectation on myself to function “normally” and “just be happy” but to try to be fully present but also knowing that a big group of people can be overwhelming, that remembering facts may be impossible and that feeling alive and in the moment may not come easily. And thats ok.
I´m learning to be ok with not being ok. Its a journey 🙂
Sending you lots of love on this Monday!
PS. To catch up with last week I will be posting on Wednesday and Friday this week 🙂