I hate when I follow a blog and all of the sudden the writer stops writing and I have no idea why but am invested in their story. And only by writing my own I have realized how hard it can be to not do that.
I wanted to write but I didn´t want the world all in my business that felt so very vulnerable. It still feels that way – and maybe it will always feel like that. And maybe thats the lesson – to not judge but to walk with each other and do life together out of love and not judgement!
A couple of months ago I stumbled upon a podcasts with Nicole Sachs who talked about JournalSpeak – which is therapeutic journaling at its core. (It´s a good podcast if you want to check it out “That´s so Retrograde Ep. 186 Nicole Sachs: Chronic Pain and The Mind Body Connection” on Apple Podcasts) It seemed like a good “I can do it myself – method” so I gave it a go without thinking much else about it. And it has opened my mind and eyes in ways I WOULD HAVE NEVER THOUGHT! Things I would have sworn were true were true in a sense that I needed to think that to feel like I could emotional survive but I did not see the full picture.
It´s been a time of reckoning and in Brene Brown words “rumble” of what is true and what story do I tell myself and also, what does it change for me? How do I face the hurt that I carried that manifested itself into physical pain?
Its been freeing and painful and mind opening and frightening and brought a new depth to life! Its been asking the question of “What has happened to you since you were a free and joyful and innocent child?” “What did you learn about love and trust and connection self worth and does it serve you well or does it still hurt you or you feel shameful about it?” But its also giving permission to feel all the feelings, anger and pain and shame and fury and thoughts that we would never say to anyone and are even afraid to think. It´s so ok and its so good to go there instead of rationalizing it and being all civil about it. There is a place for everything and writing in my journal and giving all those emotions a voice is a good place!
It´s a new feeling to not feel obligated to explain or to heal or to reconcile a relationship!
Out of this stillness and often days confusion and emotional mess, that I try to be brave enough to feel and not judge myself about not managing to do much more (“who does nothing except try to get emotional and physical healthy again?” is my inner full-of-judgement-dialog), I surround myself with love, truth and positive emotional wellbeing.
Be brave out there!