*Disclaimer*: not a happy post!
I want to be angry and yell in how much pain I was in. How life betrayed me. How I lost everything that was important to me, while trying to hold on as thight as I could – still, it all slipped away. Leaving me empty handed but more so empty hearted. What´s is left if all there is is pain – and a little bit of hope? Hope to hold onto that one day, maybe one day all of this brings a little bit of joy. For someone. No matter how many tears I cry, I can´t undo the fact that I have been the girl running around the blog in the darkness of her neighborhood, sleep deprived because the pain would not let me sleep and every time I stopped to run, unbearable pain set in again. I´ve been the girl that has been carried to bed by her husband because in a split second the pain got so worse I could hardly even stand up, let alone brush my teeth. In just a second a wonderful moment turned into pure horror. I´ve felt the darkest of dark, have felt my sould and heart become numb and dark – and really, what more painful there is to experience than that?
I wish I could hide it all! Pretend it never happened, forget about it and move on as if it had never happened! How do you bring light to this? How do you make life whole again after so much pain?
How do you restore hope and believe in tomorrow , if for the longest time you didnt know if tomorrow existed outside of our bed and pure numbing? What if the lingering pain is still felt so deeply that all I want to do is rush through everything and feel nothing? And how do you deal with shame about not being back to normal even though the pain is gone?
I´ve seen and felt the rawness of life. I´ve been beaten up and broken inside by life. But I am on a mission to not let it harden me but to be more emphatic towards myself, other people and life in general.
I wish I could say I managed to do that lately but I haven´t. In order to not feel how much trauma I went through I just numbed it all. I felt nothing. And did not even realize it. Slowly lifting that numbness I realized how much shame and anger there is in me. Shame about “still” not being healthy and raging anger about the 8 lost years of my life. And don´t even begin to tell me, that these 8 years were not wasted years, I don´t want to hear that right now 😉 lets see where all this leads…
Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.
Wishing you and me on this sometimes very confusing, most of the time happy Monday that we are kind to ourselve!
Sending you lots of love!