Writing this on Friday deep into having the cold on top of my exhaustion is messing with my mental being.
It feels like too much, too much sickness, too little strength, too little strength to help myself, too little life in me to be happy while being bed ridden. I start questioning myself and if anything was caused by my mental health but the reality is: I was freaking exhausted before the cold and having fever on top of exhaustion is a lot for any body, so my allergies go crazy as well because my immunsystem is simply down. I‘m trying to hold on to my saneness but it brings back ALL the trauma of being constanly sick and being home/bed ridden without being able to help myself. I feel helpless and I feel angy and it feels unfair but I can help myself ans everything will be fine in a few days and there is incledible medicine that can treat fever very well. Still urg!
Before this all cold craziness hit me I was reading ‚When the heart waits‘ by Sue Monk Kidd after hearing her story on Oprahs Supersoul Podcast and it has been inspiring. I‘m only a couple chapters in but its good. She talks about waiting:
„ We discover that the only way to achieve newsness is […] to die to the old and open the door to the knock of waiting, to allow ourselves to be sheathed in the experience of incubating what needs be born.“ Page 16
“I wanted God to simply whisk away the masks I had spent most of my life fashioning, to hoist up from my repressed well the lost and neglected parts of myself, to solve my problems, heal my wounds, and alleviate the inexplicable sense of discontent and pain I was feeling. And mind you, I wanted all of this now, immediately, or at the very least very soon.” Page 21 (totally me right now )
„ I know, but a cocoon is no escape. It‘s an in-between house where the change takes place…During the change, it will seem…thaz nothing is happening, but the butterfly is already becoming. It just takes time.“ Page 17
„When we wait, you’re deliberately choosing to take the long way, to go eight blocks instead of four, trusting there’s a transforming discovery lying pooled along the way.”
“We have to let go and tap our creative stillness. Most of all, we have to trust that our scarred hearts really do have wings.” Page 20
“I hope you’ll hear it all the way down to your toes. When you’re waiting, you’re not doing anything. You’re doing the most important something there is. You’re allowing your soul to grow up. If you can’t be still and wait, you can’t become what God created you to be.” Page 22
I don’t know if I would actively be doing all this work and soul searching if I my circumstances were different but I am here now and I am gladly and joyfully learning more about life itself and my purpose in this life! Life can seem so simple while living our everyday life of eating, working, shopping etc. but oh how wonderful complex life in itself is!
Wishing you a wonderful start to a new year!