My thoughts circle back to being/feeling incredible lonely regularly. Its part of trauma I have come to know. Feeling isolated, different than ‚others‘ and questioning ‚God‘/the Universe/fate. Its a feeling that sucks the joy out of my life quicker than anything else and brings me to my knees more than any pain will ever be able to.
I try my best to heal that place and those memories inside of me. Recognise it. Hug it. Love all of it. It takes stillness and courage to go to that inner place of utter loneliness and to look it in the eye and weap the tears that have not been weaped and hug it and fill it with the utmost love! To go back in my memories and visit myself there. Imagining picking myself up, to have my current self join my old, cared and in-pain self and sit with it. Be in company, not lonely.
I don´t know the occasion anymore but I traped back into my trauma triggered by something recently and was stuck there. I didn´t know how else to hold my inner self than to go back to isolation but I had this urged question of “what would be the energy that releases my inner isolation?” until one night when I stumbled upon words that have been the answer to exactly what I was asking.
“Then I ask, When I´m scared and hurting, can I open my soul and let someone peer way down inside” Page 69, WHEN THE HEART WAITS by Sue Monk Kidd
WHEN I’M SCARED OR HURTING – CAN I BE OPEN?
Thats been the missing piece!! I’ve been closing myself off. Out if fear of feelings, of fear of someone else hurting because of me or simply but mostly because I didnt know how to do it differentely. But oh my God, this has opened me up! I have been trying to act as everything is totally normal while fighting my battles in private until its impossible and even then keeping most of it to myself. But I dont have to!
When I am hurting I can be open! And when I’m scared I can look for a hug or a hand that keeps me close and safe, even if I can find it within myself. Be open – keep moving!
Sending you lots of love on this rainy Monday!